Pick your motto

September 20, 2007 · Posted in Uncategorized 

“It’s a Marathon, not a sprint”, “We have to take the long view”, “Our goal is to win a World Series, not a division title” — take your pick. These, ladies and gentlemen, are our 2007 Boston Red Sox. Who’s worried? We’re still in first place aren’t we? Curse of the Bambino, Bucky Dent, Mookie Wilson — all exorcised 3 short years ago. Panic? Pshaw! You see, simple-minded reader, our GM has a plan. While the rest of us were struggling to crack the Da Vinci Code, Theo and his minions were crafting a complex strategy that, unfortunately, is simply incomprehenible to the unsophisticated Boston fandom. To date, even the astute observer can merely catalog some of the elements that have thus far been revealed. We proceed, therefore, with a short list of ingredients for Theoball:

  • Eric Gagné must trot in from the bullpen only when the game is on the line. The fact that the Gagné-less Red Sox managed to accrue the best record in the Majors for the first 4 months of the season is a statistical anomaly.
  • Manny Ramirez is on his own timetable and should only enter a game when he feels ready. Clearly the best course of action is to sit him for the last 30 games of the regular season, so he’ll be rested and game-ready for the playoffs.
  • Drew is gonna get hot. You’ve gotta just stick with him.
  • The annual September fade is a strategy to lull potential playoff rivals into a false sense of security.
  • Never ever bunt.
  • All decisions related to pitch counts must be authorized by the GM by text message.
  • Your closer only pitches the 9th inning (sorry Mr. Torre). Whenever possible the use of relievers should be scripted before the game starts like the first 20 plays of the Super Bowl.
  • Control the media at all costs. Give the New York Times Corporation a larger stake in ownership if necessary. Require Remy and Orsillo to underscore the importance of Drew, Lugo, and Gagné as much as possible.

What it all means will be revealed at www.redsox.com (for paid in full members of Red Sox Nation only) after the Sox are jettisoned from the first round of the playoffs. Stay tuned.

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